And Yes, I am my worst critic. I feel like I fail my little buckaroo everyday. I'm not as patient as I would like one day. I'm too busy doing the floors to color the next. I even have corrected his hitting a friend of me by lightly slapping his hand or his bum, which, even typing it, I can see is highly illogical. (Side note: I have stopped this. Standing in the corner is the new form of discipline in Casa Awesome). But as frustrated as I get at him for not listening, I forget that he, in fact, hears everything...even the muffled, under-my-breath utters that I hope he isn't hearing.
I want to warn you before you continue, while this is a funny story, I do not think it's "cute" and I'm really not proud of it.
It was a few days ago. Maybe a week. Max and I were running errands. He had his ziploc of Pirate's Booty, sippy cup, and his Woody the Cowboy and stuffed Mickey Mouse in the seat to keep him company. We came to a stop light and we were two or three cars deep. The lane to my left was a turning lane. This lane got their green light before our own lane. Well, the first driver in the turn lane who now had a green arrow took more than a second to put their car in gear. This prompted the driver behind him to obnoxiously start honking their horn. As the horn sound died, from the backseat of the car, I hear "Relax, Asshole."
And just like that, being the mom every mom aspires to be in 2015 went away. In January. I am ruining my kid.
I said "Max, we don't say that word." To which he replied "You and dada say that word." So I made a promise to stop. And holy crap is it HARD! If you know me, you know that I have the type of potty mouth that would make a drunken sailor blush. But alas, the selective hearing of a toddler has come back to bite me in the butt.
And yes, there is the possibility that I am being really hard on myself. But I can tell you this. Being a parent is like having a giant mirror follow you everywhere you go only it only shows your back fat and arm waddle.
Here is what it boils down to, I have only been a parent for as long as Max has been a kid. I learn something new about it everyday. I learn something new about myself everyday. And I learn that my baby will go to bed tonight and tomorrow will be a new chance to be better. To do better. To keep new promises.
In the interim, if you happen to be a mom or dad in the same boat as me, and you can relate to me at all, then posting this truly embarrassing story has been worth it.
And to my dear Max. My little Buckaroo. One day you're going to read this. And we're going to laugh about it and yes, I will tell it to your future partner because that's what moms do. And I am promising you now, I'm trying hard to improve for you everyday. And I know I put a lot of pressure on myself and that affects you. I'm going to try to stop that. Every time you tell me "no" or throw a tantrum, I'm going to tell myself that it's you screaming the words "I'm a kid" at me. And in turn, I'll lower my expectations for perfection...for both of us.
You see baby boy, all I want is for you to know that I love you. All I want is for you to be the happiest you that you can be. Whatever that means. I will support and love you no matter what. Even if you hate me for telling you no or keeping you safe. That's my job. And I plan on doing it better every day for every breath that I take on this earth. Even when you really don't like me, I will still kiss you every night and tell you to go dream your big dreams because that is all I really want for you. And yes, darling boy, I am going to make mistakes. And then we'll hold hands and you'll be equally holding mine as I do yours. And we'll go to be and tomorrow will be a new day. I love you. All the colors you have inside have not been invented yet.
Until Soon,
Kate
