For The Ladies: The 5 Friends You Should Probably Break Up With

We have all gone through a breakup that leaves us crying into a pint of Ben and Jerry's wondering what we did wrong.  Drowning sorrows and feelings into a bottle of wine (and by bottle, I mean case.  Let's get real).  And yes, we turn to our girlfriends who convince us that it's their loss.  He/She'll come around and realize what they lost and by then, you will have moved on.  That you're good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you.  But what if it's one of those girls who has seen you at your lowest, runny eyeliner low that needs to be broken up with?

Yep.  I'm talking about the friend breakup.  I hate to be a traitor to my gender, but ladies, we're insane.  Yes, even you.  And yes, definitely me.  And I am here to tell you, sometimes it just needs to be done.  Here are the five friends you will probably, and sometimes sadly, break up with in your adult life.  What better way to start off a New Year?!?!

The Relationship Hermit:  We all know her.  You go to every birthday party, happy hour and dinner event together. And then she gets a new boyfriend and becomes completely consumed.  You fail to exist.  All of this friend's conversations start with "Oh My Gosh! It's been forever."  Not, of course because you haven't tried to reach out to her, but because her new boyfriend/girlfriend needs her constant and undivided attention.  While I'm sure she's trying to get all Beyonce on him/her to "Put a Ring On It,"  remember we have all been THIS friend.  And if you're reading this and it is you, you're listening to the wrong pop star.  In the illustrious words of the Spice Girls "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends" (in a non creepy sexual way).
Toxicity Level:  6
How to Deal:  Ride it out if you really enjoy your time together.  Consider how much you hate heels and tulle if she asks you to be a bridesmaid.  

The One Sider:  You've attended every birthday party for her over the past 5 years and spent time tracking down the perfect gift that makes her bawl immediately upon seeing it. But she hasn't remembered the month you were born in let alone the specific day, ever.  She has bailed on plans so many times that you deliberately double book knowing she isn't going to follow through.  She always says "We need to catch up/Hang out"  But can answer a text/call/email.  Listen.  We're too old for this.  Everyone is busy.  No one has time for this.  You're better than this friend.  Promise.
Toxicity Level:  9.  
How to Deal:  Follow boyfriend/girlfriend breakup protocol.  Unfollow on all social media, do not respond to communication.  Kill friendship with fire.  Drink Wine.  LOTS of wine.  Try not to drunk text.
  
The Put-You-Down:  Okay.  Can I just ask this?  Why do we put up with people that make us feel bad about ourselves?  Seriously!  What is it?  Here's the beauty of being a grown up.  You don't HAVE to be friends with anyone if you don't want to.  (and also you can eat ice cream for breakfast.)  This is not high school, folks.  If you are with someone who makes you self conscious because they put you down for what you look like or who you are, this is someone you do not need to be around.  Find people who couldn't care less if you put on weight or decide to go sans makeup to the supermarket or wear yoga pants to target.  Your life will immediately begin to improve once you remove people who poison your psyche with negative things about yourself.
Toxicity Level:  8
How To Deal:  Wake Up.  Be Awesome.  Repeat Daily.

The 'I can't believe she has other friends':  There's an old saying that goes "Any friend of (insert name) is a friend of mine."  It would be ADORABLE if that's how it worked in real life.  And, I hate to say it again ladies, but why can't we just welcome other people who happen to have vaginas into the flock?  If I have a friend who I hang out with everyday and that friend or I move away, I don't expect my good buddy to wait for me to come out to visit before she checks out the social scene.  I have met some of my closest friends through other close friends.  But yet, some ladies cannot handle the notion that you're hanging out with new people. I hate to say it, but this is one of those things from High School that seems to follow us into adulthood.  I didn't understand it in high school and I certainly do not understand it now.
Toxicity Level:  4
How To Deal:  A real friend will likely get over her own issues and maybe even start to like your new peeps.  If she doesn't, drink wine.  LOTS of wine.

The Old Jeans:  Everyone has them.  They fit just like sweat pants but you can wear them in public.  You can pull them on without dealing with the button or the zipper and there is a threadbare area in between the thighs where your chub rub is (no? Just me?  well, then fuck you!)  But let's face it.  They haven't fit you right for years.  Your back pocket is at your calf and the bottoms are completely frayed.  But we keep them around for comfort.  But every. Move. They. Make. is COMPLETELY annoying and makes you furious.  But you have been friends for SO long that you can't toss them.  
Toxicity Level:  2
How to Deal:  Suck it up, Buttercup.  This chick has too much dirt on you for you to walk away quietly.  You're in it for the long haul.  May I suggest the Pinot?

The Poor Me/Lucky You:  The worst of the worst.  They can never be happy for you because they're focused on their own sadness.  Perfect example:  I had a friend who was going through a terrible divorce a few years ago.  It was incredibly sad and she leaned on me a bit for emotional support.  I felt awful for her.  Towards the end was my own wedding.  The happiest day of my life.  She (for starters, and believe me, I am paraphrasing) guilted me into making her a bridesmaid, got upset when she was told she was not the maid-of-honor, and then to top it off, wanted to update me on the latest with her ex husband. At. My. Reception.  *sigh*  Then it all boiled over when she told me she was taking her kids and moving somewhere out of state.  I didn't hear from her in months.  Then I get a random text "HI!  Guess what?  I'm pregnant! And I am getting married.  Isn't that awesome?"  Nope.  Thought you were laying dead in a ditch.  We're done being friends.  I have wine to drink.
So in short, if you have someone in your life that can't celebrate your highs without bringing you down with their lows, cut the cord.
Toxicity Level: 10
How To Deal:  Live a happy life.  

In closing I would just like to say that I really am blessed to have the greatest group of girlfriends. Ladies, You know who you are, keep on being insanely awesome.  And please...PLEASE let's just stick to drinking wine.  A LOT. OF. WINE.  (Here are a few)  

The Kitchen Set

This past week we were gifted with a toy kitchen for Max.  It has lights and sounds.  It has an oven and a microwave and a sink and a prep counter.  It's adorable.  We are very thankful that our neighbors thought of us as they were making room for Santa.  I immediately brought it inside and handed Max a wooden spoon, a small cake pan, bowl and a pot that never gets used.  He asked to put his apron and toque. We didn't hear from him for hours.

I was disturbed that only a day or two later on one of the mommy sites that I read someone asked "Moms of daughters.  At what age did you give her a kitchen set?"

Holy. Shit.

Where do I even start?!?!

So here is my open letter that that mom:

Dear Sexist Mom,

Hi.  

Get your head out of your ass.

It's 2014.

Sincerely,

Kate Teixeira

But in all seriousness, what are we teaching kids?  That cooking is women's work?  Or that we should teach our girls that at a certain age her role is in the kitchen and to serve?

Here's the thing.  You're not raising kids.  You're raising adults.  And for the love of all things holy, you're not raising a princess.  Don't you want your daughter to have a little more self worth? How do you expect her to dream big dreams and have a partner that (gasp) RESPECTS her?  That (shock) treats her like an equal?  And (aghast) values her as an individual?  What if your daughter prefers a race car or a science kit to a kitchen?  Would you be gravely disappointed?   Kitchen sets are great.  They're awesome for pretend, don't get me wrong.  But they're great because we're not going to be around forever and you probably want your kid to know how to fulfill the basic need of feeding themselves.  So yes, girls, play in the kitchen.  But play with a science kit, too.  Play in the mud and collect bugs and play wiffleball and skin the shit out of your knees.  Wear dresses and eye shadow and perfume.  And yes, cook.  But date a man that cooks for you, too.

I could rant and rave about this all day.  I really could.  But I will just end with this.  Pink is a color.  Blue is a color.  Neither is a gender.  Boys like to cook.  Girls like to cook.  Neither is a career to pursue based on what is between your legs.  We can do better.  We need to do better.  

Until Soon,

Kate